Anxiety & Fear

My husband and I are both stuck in the glue of our gloom, unable to reach out to each other.

I am restless, crabby, scarred, impatient, and distracted both at home and at work. I cannot concentrate on anything. All I do is obsess about a second surgery. It is not the surgery that scares me, but delaying the treatments has me excessively worried. And the type of treatment.

My husband is down for many reasons: his job, my situation, life in general. This time I do not have the emotional resources or stamina to try to help him break out of his zone. I am too preoccupied and self-obsessed. Also, I am, irritated with him.

He has not even glanced at any of the many brochures, articles, and books on breast cancer lying around the house. It would be good to have his perspective on matters. My husband has a scientific mind. He is the type who will read the instructions for a new Panini grill cover to cover. But the pamphlet “What to Expect from Chemotherapy” sits untouched on his bed stand while he gorges himself on a big fat business book. I am pretty sure he has not spent two minutes Googling breast cancer to learn more. It is as if he thinks: That is her problem. But if he had prostate cancer, I would be all over it. So to speak. I would want to try to figure out what he would be facing. What we would be facing.

Late one afternoon, I finally receive an email from Dr. Guru in response to my question about my lack of clear margin.

“I appreciate your concern. The primary excision was not oriented so I don’t know where they came up with lateral. The additional margins, inferior and medial, were removed after the primary excision was performed. They were the closest margins deemed from intra-operative inspection and no residual tumor was in those specimens. You do not need additional surgery. Sorry for the confusion.” Guru

I  read the mail several times without a clear understanding. Did he take out the tumor then went back in and scraped out some more? Is that what he means by “intra-operative perspective?” But what does “the primary incision not oriented” mean? He’d have to cut the first line somewhere.

I believe Dr. Guru when he says I do not need a second surgery (although I am still annoyed with him.) Had he only sat down with me to explain my pathology report, all this hysteria and worry and anxiety would not have come to pass. He would not have had to endure my blistering emails.

Yet, I am  relieved. Now I can move on to the next treatment. Will it be radiation or do I need chemo first? The mere thought of chemo therapy petrifies me.  Millions have endured it. So why am I such a complete whimp? And when will I find out if I need it? Where is my oncodx test result?

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