Grasping for a Cork in the Stormy Internet Sea

by Maggan

in Breast Cancer Research,Family & Friends,Finding a physician

Breast cancer excision

My friends Cecilia and Marie email me names of surgeons and oncologists. All of them are affiliated with the hospital closest to me. But this hospital is in a feud with Blue Cross Blue Shield, my insurance company. The news is all over the local papers. Given the insurance issue and Dr. Guru’s excellent CV, I will stick with him and not look further even though I have to wait two weeks to see him .

For the first time since my diagnosis, I Google breast cancer and a zillion entries take my breath away. Cancer looks scarier, deadlier, than I ever knew. I thought the “problem” was practically solved. Two people I knew, friends of friends, died from it, but those had been aberrations in my mind. Now my head is definitely out of the sand.

I don’t have enough specifics on my lump to be able to do basic research. For that I need a pathology report which nobody has shared with me. All the radiologist said was: Any questions?

How could I have questions when I had never heard of bio-markers, stages, phases, hormone receptors, Comedo cells, necrosis, and anuploids? The list of incomprehensible things goes on and on. Are they all in my lump and in which proportions?

Surfing the net about cancer feels like being thrown into a stormy sea with a cork to hold on to. From what I can glean breast cancer is light years away from a “cure.” I click to close my internet connection. I feel my pulse beat in my ears, my heart is pounding.

Away from the computer, I feel restless. I go outside to check the pool baskets and to skim off the water’s surface with the net. I go back inside and pick up around the house. I empty the dishwasher. I fold a load of laundry. I water the plants: Mundane, repetitive tasks that require a certain focus, but no exertion.

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